Satan admits he ‘took it a little too far’ with Modern
Lucifer Morningstar, the demonic prince of darkness and ruler of Hell, released a statement this morning, apologising for his role in the creation of Modern. In particular, Lucifer has expressed remorse at the banning of Splinter Twin and said it was far too evil – even for him.
Coming on the heels of Pro Tour: Oath of the Gatewatch and a trio of Modern Grands Prix, all dominated by the various Eldrazi decks, this announcement marks the first official confirmation of Satan’s role in Modern. The quality of the Modern format has long been a hotly debated topic, with some evangelical factions deriding the proliferation of non-interactive games, while others are lauding “pet deck” phenomena which lets you play your favourite strategies without fear of format rotation. However, with the latest and most diabolical of metagames, even the most devout of supporters are conceding that Modern may not be the idyllic paradise they once believed in.
Satan, Lord of the Damned, addressed the press corps from atop his throne of skulls: “I’d like to express my utmost regrets at the state of Modern, and the role I had in creating this format. I’m extremely remorseful that my decision to ban Splinter Twin created this outrageous metagame.” As the screams of a thousand tortured souls echoed through the fire-lit hall, the Prince of Darkness continued: “When I first conceived of Modern, I had every intention of using the format to degrade and debase Magic players everywhere, and through the maintenance of a questionable banlist I was able to achieve just that. The angst and agony, the endless bickering between the supporters and detractors – it was everything I could’ve hoped for and more. Now, however, the fast-mana Eldrazi decks are running rampant with Twin to keep them in check and it’s become clear that I simply took it too far. I’m so, so sorry.”
Reactions to Satan’s apology have been mixed. Hall of Famer Luis Scott-Vargas congratulated Satan and Wizards of the Coast for a masterfully executed troll, while former player of the year Owen Turtenwald said that he thought there was nothing wrong with Modern at all. Jesus Christ, the son of God and Modern aficionado has also weighed in: “I’m really pissed off right now. Lucifer has done of lot of downright sh*tty things, but this is just the worst. I’ve been playing Bogles for over a year now and always had a chance to take down the event. Now if I want to have a chance in this format, I’m stuck paying through the nose for a bunch of lands that are just going to get banned in three months anyway! It’s impossible to foil out my deck, my playmat won’t match the rest of my rig and everyone is going to call me a netdecker. It’s a f*cking joke, and I don’t believe for a second that Satan’s apology is genuine.”
As of publication, Satan has yet to respond to allegations that he speculated on Eye of Ugin in the months before the Banned and Restricted announcement.
This post was written by Chifley Cole of GASmtg.com
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Chifley Cole is widely regarded as the most significant Sin of Anubis, ranking far above Jackal Pup and Ankh of Mishra by this measure. He is also a Multiple PT Competitor ™, but only because he was smart enough to play Jace the Mind Sculptor – truly an under-looked gem.