Tongue-in-Cheek Productions presents… Magic: the Movie’ing
Jason is a sullen teenager. His mother recently moved to a new city, after his father died in a car wreck. Things have been hard for him since then. He has no friends. His relationship with mother is strained. His school work has suffered. He used to be able to seemingly pluck the answers from his teachers’ minds, but now he finds it hard to concentrate.
One day after school he is chased by high school jocks. He ducks into a strange antique shop to escape them. Inside he forgets about the bullies and begins to explore the shelves. (IT’S A CLASSIC, NEVERENDING STORY.) He picks up various artifacts, including a strange deck of cards. He looks at them curiously, shrugs and puts them down. When he turns around, there is an Elvira-looking woman. Dark hair. Long black dress. Luscious. And ominous.
“Can I help you, Jason?” she asks in a seductive way.
Jason freaks out that she knows his name. He knocks over a load of things as he rushes to leave the shop.
The next day. It’s raining a little as Jason leaves home. He pulls up his blue hood and runs for the bus stop. When he’s waiting there, he spots a strange guy on the other side of the street. He’s much bigger and more muscled than school bullies. Just as the bus is about to arrive, the guy makes to cross the street. Jason starts to walk away. He turns into an alley trying to escape the big guy.
A ferocious looking creature appears in front of him, with pointy ears and scaly skin. It holds a little dagger in its hand and tries to stab Jason.
POP! POP! POP!
Several similar creatures appear and rush at the teen. Just as he is about to be overwhelmed, a huge axe swings in and cleaves one of the goblins in two (off screen, because this is a PG movie). The axe swings again and again. At one point a magical wolf appears and bites one of the goblins. (It’s hilarious.) The stranger fights off the goblins without breaking a sweat.
Jason lies on the ground of the alley. He breathes heavily. Even though creatures lie motionless, his eyes still gaze wide. The muscly guy comes to him and offers his hand.
“Come with me, if you want to live,” he growls.
In a heartbeat Jason makes the decision to trust this man. He reaches out to him and as their hands touch WOOSH! They are suddenly travelling through colorful space.
Finally, they arrive somewhere. Jason is confused by what has just happened. The big guy explains that he is a planeswalker (but not a plane steward) and that they’ve just travelled to a different reality.
“Oh boy,” Jason replies.
“Is this him?” a voice booms.
Jason looks around to see a half cat-half man, stood in old-style army gear. He holds a sword.
“Jason, this is Ajani and my name is Garruk,” explains the big man.
Garruk then explains Jason was attacked by goblins that were after something he has.
“What? What do I have?” the boy asks.
“A spark,” Ajani growls.
The two of them then explain how sparks work and that Jason is a planeswalker too… perhaps the greatest planeswalker since some guy named Urza. Jason doesn’t believe them. He tells them to take him home, so he can check his mother is okay. Ajani refuses and says he must train. Jason replies he doesn’t need training and rages at the lionman.
Jason is standing in the rain outside his apartment. He looks slightly confused then he hears a scream from above. He races up the stairs. There is a fight going on in his apartment. Goblins and vampires everywhere. Place smashed. One of the goblins holds his mother hostage. When Jason walks in, they all stop fighting and turn to him.
“Surrender to us,” the goblin says.
“No, surrender to us,” the vampire says.
Jason is confused. He says he will surrender, but they must not harm his mother. Goblins and vampires start fighting again. Jason’s mother is roughly shoved to one side. She slams into the window and it breaks. She tumbles out.
Jason’s world goes into slow motion as he tries to get to her. He tries to imagine what his spark looks like and planeswalk to the street, but nothing happens. She falls to her death (off screen, again). Goblins and vampires set upon him. He is buried under a pile of creatures. Something snaps in him. Jason surges to his feet and lets out a primal scream. He starts whipping his hands back and forth.
He wipes the mind of a goblin.
Blam! Blam! Blam!
He pulls out all the thoughts they ever had. Goblin. After goblin. After goblin. They stop doing what they were doing and stand around like blanks. Vampire. After vampire. A dark-haired ominous woman. After vampire. Finally, Jason stands in a room full of lobotomised creatures.
A familiar, giant paw rests on Jason’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Ajani growls.
“I should have saved her,” Jason mutters, shaking his head.
“It’s not your fault, Jason,” Ajani offers.
“My mom… my mom always called me Jace.”
“Okay Jace. I will train you.”
“One thing: can we do it here in the city for budget reasons?”
The lionman agrees.
A montage of training failures follows, backed by a slow starting emo song. The music increases in tempo as scenes show Jason/Jace becomes more successful at fighting. When the last notes ring out, we see Jace knocks Garruk to the ground with a mixture of martial arts and magic.
“I think you’re ready,” Garruk tells him.
Ajani explains there are two other planeswalkers whose acts and motivations are not as pure as their own. They talk about Liliana and Chandra.
Jace uses his new-found abilities to pluck images of these ‘walkers from Ajani’s mind. Chandra looks cute and about Jace’s age. As for Liliana… it’s the woman from the junk shop. Still luscious. Still ominous. It’s also the woman from a vampire’s mind, one of those who attacked him in his apartment. Who killed his mother. Jason feels a sudden rush of adrenaline towards her. The lionman warns that this feeling of vengeance may consume him. (LIKE THE DARKSIDE, KIDS.)
Garruk says they will have to travel to another plane to hunt the other walkers down.
Ajani explains that Chandra can be found in the plane that most resembles the last released block and that Liliana is in the one that will be released just after the movie comes out in the theatres.
Jace, Ajani, and Garruk go off to find and to fight these two. As they walk to a new plane, Jace’s clothes change. Now he looks like an all-powerful wizard. They find and face Chandra. Jace and Garruk take care of Chandra’s pet phoenix with ease, but the Tank Fire Girl escapes from them unscathed, after a short flirty banter with Jace.
“She will join forces with Liliana,” Garruk says.
They follow Chandra to the next plane, where a longer fight sequence takes place. Liliana unleashes on them waves of strange looking and powerful creatures. Eventually they make it to the two female planeswalkers. The resulting fight is even – more – longer and even – more – tedious than we have seen before. Garruk takes a big shot from Liliana and falls down. Jace takes care of Chandra, leaving her unconscious but alive.
Now there is a long talky bit as Liliana explains Jace that it wasn’t her who sent the vampires or goblins. That she was framed. Jace reaches into her mind and sees she is telling the truth. He also sees that Liliana keeps some secrets hidden from him.
“A gentleman should not peek at lady’s private parts, unless she permits to,” she says with a double entendred smile.
Since no one knows who did send creatures that killed Jace’s mother, they all agree to be friends and together find this person in the sequel. Even Garruk, who finally recovered his senses from Liliana’s blow.
Jace and his new buddies planeswalk into the middle of football practice and scare jocks that chased him in the beginning.
Jason/Jace: Zac Efron
Garruk: Vin Diesel
Ajani: Liam Neeson
Chandra: Karen Gillan
Liliana: Lucy Liu
Chief Goblin: Warwick Davis
Vampire Boss: Rob Schneider
Jace’s Mom: Teri Hatcher
Stan Lee: as himself (or as the junk shop).
A post-credits scene: a huge dragon-shaped shadow falls over the now empty football pitch.
This is just me messing about.